Tag Archives: mental health

2023 – The Year of Resilience

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In a country, many centuries ago, 3 teenage boys were sentenced to be thrown into a fiery furnace due to the fact that they made a decision to not compromise their beliefs and doing what was right. The country in question was a superpower of its region and ruled by a feared dictator who had very sadistic tendencies. In spite of the proverbial ‘poo hitting the fan’ for these lads, they had something about them that enabled them to endure and as a result they were released unscathed.

If there is one thing that I will leave 2023 thinking about, it’s the fact that I had to smile when I reviewed my entries for the end of 2022 and 2021. I decided not to look back at my entry for 2020, because, well, you know…

I was going to start this blog post with the usual line of how difficult this year was etc but instead I am extremely thankful.

What’s that you say? Thankful? (Is she actually ok?)

Yep, I am actually thankful in a very weird way. I have felt over the recent years that I may have missed a very important jig-saw piece to life. I would typically reach the end of a year, hopeful that the following year would be better than the last, that my luck would change, that there might be a degree of reprieve to the many ‘poos hitting the fan’ moments. But with this mindset came the disappointment – disappointed that the cares and issues of life would hit, one after the other, feeling as though I’m constantly in ‘survival mode’, existing more than living.

So it is with great pleasure that I leave 2023 learning that whilst I cannot escape these problems, I can bolt on an additional mechanism to assist with how I deal with them. I thought I’d “smashed” it with having those quiet times in prayer, meditating on God’s Word, setting key boundaries and limiting what I could physically deal with. But this year has taught me that as well as what I’m currently doing I have realised that it has enabled me to recognise and develop resilience.

Now you’re probably thinking “Well, you have been doing this throughout all these years” and in some respects you are absolutely right. I guess the difference with this year has been the fact that I chose not to recognise it as an after effect but to be more assertive in facing challenges with the tools – or some might say weapons – at my disposal.

For me, ‘Resilience’ was my ability this year to face a challenge with the knowledge that I will eventually come through it. The challenges were tough, brought me to my knees (work, just….work), even traumatic (watching Mum in October fight for life in A&E after another heart attack). Through God’s grace I dealt with each situation knowing that I had a Saviour who understood – who would plant ideas/solutions into my head which then worked. Who flooded me with a sense of encouragement during the particularly challenging moments. Who influenced and changed the timelines of projects to enable me to deal with the emergency with Mum.

Image by Bruce from Pixabay

Recalling all the other occasions when I managed to get through trials helped, along with maintaining healthy boundaries at work and basically making significant use of saying “No” when to say “Yes” would have been so much easier and less confrontational. It helped a lot and for that I am thankful.

From my last post entry I had invested more time in my hobbies this year as a pressure release from all the drama. I’d even begun looking over the book that I have been writing.

So, today my mind recalled the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 3 Jewish teenagers taken into captivity approximately 300 or so BCE. I can imagine these kids having experienced quite a significant level of trauma, rotten days, where the proverbial “poo hit the fan” for them. Yet the account of them refusing to obey a king who demanded that they forfeit the very thing that helped them cope with life by kneeling and worshipping a statue, being thrown into a fiery furnace as punishment, and then subsequently surviving against such impossible odds, spoke to me of how – over time – they developed such an enviable resilience to make it through to another day. What they had is what we’ve all got at our disposal too.

How amazing is that?

So today, I celebrate being a child of the Most High God who never said life will be a bed of roses but who did promise that He is with us every step of the way.

This has equipped me to recognise and look forward to 2024 and all that it will bring.

Permission to Exit…

mental health

My job, that is.

I had asked the Lord this this very question post Christmas when work related stress had me on the cusp of just walking away. Just like that – to take my chances, survive on the hope that another job will come along and just up and go. This current role hasn’t been the best and so far this year, I’d gotten as far as to plan out my escape as well. I was going to bake some cup cakes for those people I’d forged friendships with, gather my work equipment together and drive 30 miles to my job and hand everything in. Then skip in slow motion, into the new day, gleefully smiling because now I would have the time to write my book as well as regularly update this blog and live off part of my pension. As far as I was concerned, work had me close to burnout and the chaos which was the project I had been working on wasn’t worth my health.

But the God I serve did not grant me that permission and instead gave me fodder to log in this here blog entry.

Exit sign
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Historically there was a lesson for me to learn in this latest episode of stress and ironically it was my daughter who was the inspiration. My eldest is a grade A student that society would deem as being within the category of NEET – Young people Not in Education, Employment or Training. She took a gap year but then didn’t want to have at least £27K in debt through university fees to then not be able to find the vocation she wanted. She instead is attempting to set up her own business but also needs to earn an income while pursuing this. For the past couple of months she took herself out of her comfort zone and was signed up as a stable hand for racehorses. Over the Easter break she came home to visit and as we chatted she explained how some of her peers had dropped out due to the challenges of the work, the night shifts as well as the early morning starts. She showed me her hands which was covered with healed or healing blisters and with a weary voice she described what her work day was like.

In an even more weary voice, she admitted that she literally hadn’t had the time to paint or pursue her business.

We sat momentarily in silence as we both reflected her dilemma – she was currently doing a non desirable job to make ends meet but at the expense of the very thing she wanted to do. After a while I asked her something that I would have acted on if I was in her shoes – why doesn’t she quit like her peers.

What she answered with was the inspiration I needed to hear,

“Mum in a way I’d love to quit but on the other hand this is a challenge for me and I don’t want to leave and then wonder whether there was something I should have learnt from all this. Plus God will get me through this.”

BAM! There it was. That last sentence. If the ‘still small voice’ within me was a meme it would be nodding knowingly at me with an “I told you so” expression.

“God will get me through this…”

My Generation Z firstborn reminded this stubborn Gen X something in that very moment.

This blog is proof that life is not all roses for anyone and our wilderness seasons are not ones where we endure on our own but we are to press in knowing that we are not alone.

The lesson I learnt during this latest storm was the need for me to break life long habits in terms of how I cope with difficult situations. Throughout my whole work experience I’d sooner run away instead of building up a resilence to see things through. My daughter is resilient enough to see through her difficulties and learn from them. I on the other hand, tried every avenue to get the ball rolling to up and go. I mean these past few months I’d tried everything and in every single case was met with a “closed door” so to speak. The Lord needed me to see something about myself and develop strategies to rise and overcome them.

With the work related stress, communication was key with me this time round. I subsequently contacted my manager who had to then act. The work load is still unmanageable, the project is not going to plan but instead he has been able to incorporate “pressure releases” inbetween and to all of the team, has made it clear that this is beyond us and the company can see that.

I’ve sought for help using a healthcare professional – something I have not really sought for initially and tend to leave when the stress is too much. This has enabled me to categorise and forge out a plan to reduce the stress.

In all of this God is front and centre. As Christians sometimes the envronment (and I won’t say individuals – just perhaps an unspoken peer pressure) makes one believe that we’re not doing something correctly or we have a lack of faith by seeking help for our mental health by societal means – by going to our doctor or counsellor. Phrases like “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is batted about when the reality feels quite different.

But in actual fact, the action I’ve adopted this time round, does actually work in tandem with my faith. Dare I say, in my case, there was an element of pride preventing me from proactively getting the help I need to do my job. When pride is something that God dislikes (see James 4:6) and we continuously run to it, then of course circumstances will arise to help us to recognise it, confess it to Him and allow Him to remove it.

I’ve linked to the Mind website here which also covers strategies I’ve carried out as well as others that I haven’t. In addition to the bulleted section on ‘looking after your wellbeing’, I went back to breathing exercises I use to do when stressed, where I would slowly breathe in and exhale but whispering the Lord’s name as I exhale. This would calm my mind and help me to focus on what truly matters to me. Talking to the Lord had dropped off when my workload increased – this is back to being front and centre again also.

Sleep has been the silver bullet for me as well, along with signing up to streaming music while I’m working.

I had to take a step back from social media since March and instead spend that time in the garden and other relaxing tasks to help me detox from work.

It will be and has been a slow process, but as always I do thank God that He hadn’t granted me permission to exit…..yet.

Hope in the Storms

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As I write this blog, the sun is shining and considering it’s the end of December, I took a quick stroll in the garden and it was pleasantly warm. I have been blessed with having a whole week off from work without using any annual leave. Yes, you heard that right (still pinching myself). The employer closed its doors to all employees for the whole of the Christmas break and after being a teacher and working for the NHS, I had to ask three times just to make sure. I mean, I’ve hardly had time off during the Christmas break unless it was a couple of days annual leave and don’t even get me started with those teacher years when guilt use to make me mark mock exam papers for years 10 and 11!

This period of recharge has enabled me to gain a decent sleep pattern and actually cook fresh food, to spend time with the kids, to lose badly in Mario Cart. Our resident kitty did a double take that the stranger who grumbles whilst in yoga pants and a thick hooded fleece as they rush back into a Teams call, actually tickled the old geezer behind the ears and rubbed his freely offered tummy. I’m sure he’ll have a meltdown next week.

As I reflect on 2022 with this blog post I’ll admit that it has thus far been one of the more challenging years – from the health related emergencies linked to my mum and myself at the beginning of the year, the cost of living crisis and its impact on my net income, a very challenging change to a new job role. All of them seemingly coming one after another, one could be forgiven into thinking that this is never ending. In some respects, when facing challenges we tend not to have an opportunity to get all philosophical about it and it is always when we reached the other side of ‘drama’ that we can view the lesson learnt. This is perhaps where I am as 2022 draws to a close.

Image by Joe from Pixabay

If there is one main thing that has been cemented this year and the past few years, well, actually life – lets say life – it is where I place my hope. Like a student sometimes I have to go over a task an innumerate amount of times before I fully apply and understand a concept. It just so happens that the Lord – being the Rabboni or teacher that He is – has been patiently teaching me to put my hope in Him. Not in job satisfaction, not in family members or friends or people, not even in chocolate and Prosecco. But in Him. And the brilliant thing I was reminded of this year is that He is just a call away, as in just calling on His Name when the proverbial organic waste hits the fan.

One wise bit of advice that I offer you – don’t be like me! Don’t swim in the muck of life and then think “Oh Yeah! I can call on the Lord”. Be more like my kids. When trouble hits them, I hear them quietly praying to Him who provides. Maybe I’m old in the tooth and old habits die hard (the meme of Elmo raising his hands surrounded by fire reminds me of the point that I usually call on His Name), but I have learnt this year to not wait until I feel chest pains and heart palpitations before I call out to Him but to literally offload while stuff is happening.

What I have found this year, has been that immediate answer to prayer, a peace, a Shalom, a wholeness which envelopes your very core and smothers out those flames of fear and anxiety. It’s taken yet another year but I feel so much peace as we enter into 2023 knowing that although it is going to be a tougher year, I know that I will still stand.

As I began to write this blog post, I wonder on what Bible verse would come to mind as I reflected on the highs and lows of the past year and it was Psalm 42, verse 11 which states:

Why my soul are you downcast. Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.

Psalm 42:11 (NIV)

May those who read this post have a blessed New Year, may you be filled with the Lord’s peace which surpasses all understanding and may you be filled with His hope to endure whatever gets thrown at you.

P.S. ….don’t be an Elmo meme

Hello, It’s Me, Migraine

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I guess a lot of us in the UK celebrated ‘Freedom Day‘ by heading outside doing things which we have been prevented from doing since Covid began last year. Except for yours truly of course. Instead, after a night of profuse tossing and turning I woke up realising that I had the first migraine in a while and was this a humdinger.

During my peri-menopausal years I had a guaranteed monthly occurrence of migraines having never had them when I was younger. It took numerous visits to the GP before it was officially recognised as just that – a migraine – and I had pretty much managed it with over the counter migraine relief. There was one caveat though – if I caught the migraine while I was awake I didn’t have any issues at all except the feeling of being in a different solar system due to the strength of the pain relief. But if it came on in the night, I would kiss goodbye the ability to carry out my duties as a normal human being. When I passed the menopause threshold of 50, they began to reduce significantly as my oestrogen levels bid their farewells as well and I very much didn’t miss them.

So who told this particular migraine to visit on one of the hottest days of this year?

Yesterday during a fitful sleep I vaguely recalled feeling pain sufficient to bring me out of deep sleep but I ignored it as it was a Sunday night and I regretfully thought I had to force myself to sleep due to work on the Monday. By the time my alarm went off at 6am the migraine literally slapped me awake! I stumbled out of bed and staggered downstairs to the kitchen. Once there I fumbled to get the medicine box from the upper most shelf in the kitchen cupboard – it occurred to me at that moment that my son was 10 and so was not about to overdose on out of date plasters and paracetamol. After being attacked by an avalanche of medically related boxes (never did get round to placing them in the box), I finally found the migraleve and popped the pink pills with a full glass of water.

It struck me an hour later that the migraine possibly started a good 4 to 6 hours prior to me getting up as my stomach began its telltale cramping which occurs towards the end of a migraine episode along with what I call the ‘munchies’. During a daytime episode, I would be 4 hours into the migraine when – in spite of eating normally – my stomach would feel immensely empty to the degree that no amount of eating would alleviate the sensation. Hence the term, “the munchies”. If I ignored this sensation, I would be rewarded with the mother of all stomach cramps. However at 7am with a tight school run to do, I ignored the warning signs and attempted to get by with another glass of water and a bio-yogurt drink.

BIG MISTAKE.

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

By the time I had made it to the car with my son, I was in the full throngs of unbelievable stomach pain. Sweating profusely, I pigheadedly drove my son to school and made the 14 mile round trip back home. Back on the drive, I was making my peace with God, trying to remember where I had placed my stupid Will, but somehow managed to get myself back inside just in time to chuck the two glasses of water, bio-yogurt and migraine tablets into the toilet bowl.

About 20 minutes later my older daughter saw me sat on the landing like a wet lettuce and I must have looked really bad because she genuinely looked worried and did not retort with some kind of banter that she normally would. Instead there was a degree of role reversal – she gently and quietly rubbed my back, dried my sweaty forehead and comforted me until I was strong enough to get up. She then forced me to drink some water before helping me back into my bedroom which had a fan blasting and closed curtains. I rode out the rest of the migraine there until it subsided.

I have an idea of what brought on that migraine and in a small part the hot night did not help.

But the thought of me working for the NHS, hearing and witnessing the deep routed concern about ‘Freedom Day’ from the frontline workers who care deeply about their patients and the continuing rise of cases hitting the wards, had my brain working over time on what would have been the hottest night of the year.

Keeping an Eye on Your Mental Health

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I was sifting through my Twitter posts and saw a meme which reminded me of how I felt at the moment of seeing the meme, and I thought I’d post it here:

source: i.chzbgr.com

If ever there was a meme to sum up me during 2020 it was this. But I was thankful because as I approach the shortest day of the year, I am keeping an eye on how I am doing mentally. Last week I was caught short and by Friday I seriously wondered if I was going to be able to make it through to the end of next week. Work has suddenly become more hectic which coincided with my son’s year group being on a 14 day self isolation stint due to one child testing positive for Covid. I was back to home schooling while holding down a full time job with no family support as my siblings are either in high risk groups or live too far away.

This is my third job this year. When we entered into Lockdown in March I was on contract but this particular contract was about to end and so by lockdown I was working through my notice, still training users how to quickly use MS Teams which had been frantically brought in to cope with the organisation suddenly being forced to work remotely. All of us was home and I was home schooling in between.

After this contract ended, I was blessed to move into another job. Whilst still in lockdown, I had to map out how I was going to deliver training for a course, get to know new work colleagues, learn the basics of approximately 5 computer programming languages (one each week or so) with a 48 hour turnaround to then deliver them to a course group. I still – as a single mum – had to try to keep the family together who by now were beginning to exhibit the stress of missing school friends and the familiar routine of school. It was during this period that we lost Knuckles to boot and I crashed and burnt resulting to needing about 2 weeks (I had the most amazing boss back then). But the task of juggling all these things meant that I needed to return back to common ground which was where I resigned and went back to contracting.

It’s crunch time with this current role but compared to the last role where I was having to grasp and apply my understanding of programming languages I’d never used before (beyond Python), this wasn’t as stressful. My primary school aged son was back in school and up until a week ago things were manageable.

Now, I am sharing this with you because by the end of last week I had forgotten about a few things which in turn made my stress and mood plummet:

  1. I failed to force myself to attempt only those things I knew I could achieve and to say ‘no’ to anything else. My Project manager has no idea what I was juggling and I should have told him
  2. I rushed into the day and took late nights. My mind was swimming with my ‘to do’ list and as a result I was going to bed later, shooting awake at 4am. With this one I managed to catch it mid-week but made sure this weekend to just plain sleep!
  3. I had stopped taking little walks in my garden. Part of my screen break was to wander in my garden and take in the goldfish in the pond, do a bit of weeding – just little 10 minute activities which helped me maintain being on terra-firma. Bad weather and work had caused this to pretty much stop
  4. I failed to put my son before work, which upset him and which in turn upset me (never like seeing him disheartened)
  5. I was rushing into the day and skipping my quiet time with God. Yes, a face palm moment for those of you who are believers

Friday evening I was an emotional, weepy old dear who began to wonder whether I was going to be able to pull myself out of such depressive thoughts. And yet on reflection (and after two very good nights sleep) I had forgotten to consider just how seriously blessed I am.

Well the good news was that it is possible to turn things back!

It was while I was reading back on my earlier posts that I was reminded about my post called “Running from your Lynels“. The main thing that I had forgotten to do was to remind myself who was with me every single step of the way, good or bad, hard or easy times. You see, with God all things are possible.

No one ever said my life or my experiences were ever going to be a walk in the park, 100% of the time. But by noting when things are beginning to slip and then reminding myself of who I serve and therefore, immediately casting all my cares, worries, fears, weariness, anxiety, depressive thoughts, discouragement, apathy…. you get the idea…. onto Him, the burden gets easier to carry.

The main silver bullet on this occasion that significantly carries me through these episodes of SAD/depressive thoughts is singing. Today, with the weather looking dull and overcast, I put on some worship songs on You Tube which included lyrics as well and belted out some praise and worship to the One who sustains me.

So if you have been drawn to my post, it is by no mistake – if you are feeling low, leave a reply below my post and I will stand in agreement with you in prayer to reassure you that you are not alone and you will get through this.