I seriously had to give myself a shaking down – so to speak – this past weekend when I fell into the usual trap of allowing my current job dictate how much time I can put into my personal dream of leaving teaching and pursuing a non teaching vocation.

During Half Term a couple of weeks ago I had given myself a to-do list of the tasks I wanted to achieve whilst off with the kids. Two of the days involved doing something with the family, 2 was suppose to be linked to work, with the rest of the days devoted to updating this blog, working on the website and producing some craft products.

The reality was quite the opposite – I ended up:

1. getting a virus from school to where I was basically ill for most of Half Term
2. ended up checking some work emails
3. gave the virus to the kids to where they were ill – we didn’t go anywhere
4. no blog entry, website building…. nah da

So it would be an understatement if I said that my motivation was zilch when it came to going back into the classroom after the break. I still had the work to complete but more importantly I had to now put everything else on the back burner as I plowed back into working full time so as to not fall behind.

So this weekend I’d hit a point where my mood was quite…. low. This took me aback because I’d not felt felt like this for over a decade. Thank God I didn’t feel burnt out, however what I’d lost was my dream and it was that vacuous feeling which made any positivity disappear.

Ever since I’ve been on this blog journey, my mission statement was to write the children’s book which was Christ focussed. The other activities were to fund the time when I would be in front of my screen knocking out this book. This was my dream.

What I’ve slipped back into doing was earning an income which I know I’m not cut out for since having my children and which takes up valuable chunks of my other ministry – to be a mom to my kids.

Today was my turning point. I woke up at 3 am in the morning wondering (why I was so darn wide awake at stupid o’çlock) whether this existence has an ending if any/ was worth it (in the context of whether I still need to do the job I’m doing if it meant I lose my dream). I concluded that I didn’t want to be that person who worked in a job they hated because they had lost the opportunity to pursue anything else through fear.

Today between work I have therefore updated software that I hadn’t used since the summer/ since going back into the classroom. I’d also purchased a microphone which I should have done 3 years ago so that I could make e-learning videos, animation voiceovers etc. I’d updated the website and received information for a business account so that I can get straight on and purchase the domain for the website.

Finally I am updating this blog.

If there is one thing to drag me to a pit of despair, it’s the thought of living a life of “if only I had…” instead of “Right! Let’s be having ya!”

Today my dreams returned…